The First Over

You can get citizenship of Lolland in many ways. One way is to be born legendary like the Ruling Trinity. For the less gifted, one way is to study and pass exams in all the boring subjects like Math, Science and English. But big surprise, we also have sports quota in our university. And for that, you need to be really up to date with the Lolland sports fundae. Our lessons in sports give you the most hidden facts, the most innovative concepts and the inside scoop on and off the field.

Match fixing is for babies

Imagine this.

You are the member of a cricket team. A pretty important one - first class level or up.

For some reason, you want to be as evil as possible and really screw up your team's chances in the most awesome possible way.

This is for you. These are only some ideas out of the millions possible - please suggest more in the comments.

Scene: It's the last ball of the match. 7 runs are needed. The bowler bowls. The batsman, already having given up, taps the ball towards you and is about to complete a single.

What you do: Take the ball and throw it with all your force over the boundary line farthest from you, making it six overthrows and losing the match. It might be a good idea to take off all your clothes and dance madly on a flag of your home country. Nothing like a little salt on a painful wound.

Scene: You are a trusted batsman for your team. You come in with 6 overs left and 40 runs to get. Not a huge problem in an ODI - you've shown before that you can easily score at 7 an over.

Moreover, all the fast bowlers in the bowling team have finished their quota. All that's left is a couple of part-time spinners.

What you do: Every ball, you come down the pitch as if to hit the bowler for a six, and then play a perfect defensive shot. Nod to the bowler in appreciation. Take a single off the last ball of every over. At the end of your 6 over-6 run masterpiece, raise your bat to the crowd, and do a lap of honour around the field. It'll probably be the last time you ever walk, let alone run.

Ajay Jadeja was pretty good at the above. In hindsight, maybe it was for a different reason.

Scene: There's a run-out appeal. The matter has just been referred to the third umpire.

What you do: Play the perfect gentleman and walk. This idea has multiple awesome possibilities. Extend your gentlemanliness. Whenever there's a run out appeal, walk. Whenever the ball hits your pad, run to the pavilion like a (Usain/lightning) Bolt. If you ever happen to catch a ball, explain immediately to the umpire that, contrary to the appearance of the catch having been taken 4 feet above the ground, you actually spilt the ball 2-3 times on the turf. Whenever you stop a ball just short of the ropes, look foolish and signal that it's a four/six. Play the gentleman's game.

Scene: Your team is in trouble. However, there is one batsman who can save you. We shall call him Sachin, for convenience and correctness. A wicket has just fallen. He is leaving the dressing room on his way to the crease.

What you do: You read once about a rule that a batsman is declared out if he can't reach the pitch within three minutes of the fall of the previous wicket. As Sachin steps out of the room, you suddenly faint in his arms.

He shakes you off in irritation. 20 seconds are up. Next, you fall on your knees in front of him, and propose marriage. It is likely that he will be confused, and that one minute will pass before he kicks you out of the way. 80 seconds up. Next, you catch up with him, and show him a shiny new razor, and say that you will cut your throat if he does not reciprocate your love. He is a good person, so he will spend, say, 1 minute trying to convince you not to do this. 140 seconds up. The people on the field are getting restless. Your dressing room thinks you've gone crazy.

Now he's pissed and has started running. This is where you grab his leg and refuse to let go. Hold on for just 40 second, SUCCESS. Sachin is out and your team is sure to lose.

Scene: Your team is doing well. The opposition has 200 runs to get, and has 4 overs to get them in. The captain tosses you the ball.

What you do: Easy. Start off with a few no-balls, about 20-30 should be good. Please also ensure that these are slow no-balls, which can easily be hit for six. On no account make the batsman endure the indignity of having to run (he might get out). Then a few wides might be good - the type which are so wide that square-leg could have stopped four byes if he'd stretched out his hand. At this stage, your captain has either committed suicide or killed you. Either way, your opponents are looking at a victory. After all, everyone has a bad over, as the video below should show.

You can make this better for yourself. Pretend that you've become a compulsive chucker and forgotten your action. No one can actually fault you on this. You could also overstep on each of the first twenty balls. After you are forced to bowl from a yard behind the crease, you start overstepping the popping crease.

Scene: You are the 12th man, and are made to take out drinks to the people at the centre at an important juncture in the match.

What you do: There are so many evil things you can do. Put something in the drinks which gives them explosive diarrhoea every 5 minutes. Poison the drink. Spike the drink with the strongest alcohol you know of. Put Ecstasy in the drink.

Scene: You're a respected, senior cricketer in the Indian cricket team.

What you do: Spend a year being mysterious in the dressing room and in team and selection meetings. Whenever someone says a new young cricketer is a good prospect, sneer and give a knowing laugh. Sooner or later, people will get curious. When they ask you who you know, say that all will be made known on some date (choose an awesome date like February 29th).

Two months before your date, go to the Chairman of the Selection Committee, and tell him that you have found a schoolboy cricketer who is definitely the best player in the world now. However, he is half Pakistani. It is essential that he joins us instead of Pakistan. If anyone even gets to know about him, the ISI agents will spirit him away. Therefore, his identity can only be made known on February 29. You will be the person to bring him to the ground for the critical Twenty20 final match. He will open the innings and bring glory to himself and the country.

The Chairman is impressed and agrees. You go and find the least athletic, most studious 15-year old kid in the country, and spend 2 months teaching him the forward defensive stroke. On February 29, you bring him to the ground, and watch in ecstacy as he scores a masterly 0 off 52 balls and ensures that India loses.

Your ideal child cricket prodigy (for this idea only) looks like this.

Scene: A batsman in the opposite team has just hit a ball straight up in the air

What you do: This is tougher than the others; it requires great running speed. You basically need to run straight at the guy whose catch it is, who's waiting expectantly underneath the ball. Just before you or the ball reach him, you shout 'Mine!' and take him down like they do in the more lawless variants of rugby. As you look down at his prone body, and everyone else looks at the ball rolling on the ground, you do a throat slash and a secret, devilish ritual sacrifice.

Scene: You're the captain of the Indian cricket team in the 1990s.

What you do: Lose most of your matches because of poor strategic decisions. Fix matches right and left. Consistently underperform on a personal basis. Say that 'the boys didn't play well' after every match.

Oh shit, we just described A...

Picture unrelated. Then again, maybe not.

Scene: You are known in your team as an athletic person and a quick runner.

What you do: Find the two top batsmen in your team. Before an important match, go to their rooms at night and cut some tendon in their legs such that they can stand, but cannot run. Volunteer to run for each of them the next day. Run out the first batsman in a heroic way, just falling short and returning in tears to the pavilion. Beg the captain for a chance to run for the second person. Go all out on this one. When he taps the ball to the outfield for what would otherwise be an easy single, stand midway between wickets and start singing "Kitne Door, Kitne Paas".

Scene: You are batting. You have just hit the ball down the ground.

What you do: You call your partner for a run. When he is half way down the wicket, you pick up your cell phone (without leaving your crease), and start talking cosily 'Haan Ma. Aap kaise ho?' and so on. He will, of course, be run out, and hate you for ever.

Scene: You are fielding at mid-off/mid-on, as you usually do.

What you do: You are supposed to polish the ball for all the fast bowlers. You take pleasure in this, and rub it on your pants for a longer time than usual, with an expression of pleasure on your face. You then toss the ball to the bowler with a seductive smile on your face, and slowly wink at him and blow him a kiss. He will be so freaked out that he'll forget his action and everything else.

Sachin Tendulkar facts

You've heard of Chuck Norris facts. However popular they are, they are still ultimately the tales of a man. Not of God. There is one guy who can hit the roundhouse kick for a six, the one and only secular God of India, Sachin Tendulkar. We are sure all you Sachin fans know all about him, his age, family, shirt size and sock colours, but here are some less known divine facts -

1. Shane Warne was originally the fastest bowler in the world. After he bowled to Sachin for the first time, and got hit out of the park, he switched to legspin with the laziest action ever.
And Sachin hit him out of the park anyway.

2. If Sachin starts a political party composed of only donkeys, monkeys, convicts and Ajit Agarkar, he will still win 545 seats in the Lok Sabha.

3. Sachin could get a century batting against the 11 best bowlers of all time, even if they bowled hand grenades instead of cricket balls, and he was equipped only with a Natraj HB pencil.

4. Before 1989, there were only about 500 children in India with the name Sachin. Now, census officers come armed with a form with two options: a) 'My child's name is Sachin' and b) 'My child's name is anything else ___________ (fill name in here).'

5. Before the birth of Sachin Tendulkar, Maharashtra was just called Rashtra.

6. The fact that Sachin doesn't hold all the records (like fastest ODI century) shows that God (== Sachin) is kind and merciful, even to people like Afridi.

7. What do you do if there's an India vs. anybody else cricket match, you're supposed to decide the Man of the Match, but you dozed off during the match? Give it to Sachin - nobody will complain.

8. In the 1990s and 2000s, there was a proposal to make cricket a 100-on-11 game, where India would have 11 players and the opposition would have 100 players (mainly chosen for their fielding ability). This was shot down when no country could find more than 11 players who were willing to jog to the boundary every five minutes to retrieve a Sachin four.

9. Once, the Indian education system was regarded as easily the best in the world. Then, someone found out that Sachin dropped out of school. Now, even Indians don't think their education system is any good.

10. No one else in the world can bowl medium pace, offspin and legspin well. (this is 100% true, not an exaggeration.)

11. India TV doesn't run stories on Sachin because they know that, no matter what supernatural powers they try to attribute to him, they will still fall short of the truth.

12. Sachin doesn't need a 99.94 average.

13. India is the only country in the world without atheists. Even those who have burned temples, mosques and churches will stay at home and watch a Sachin innings.

14. If all umpires gave correct decisions always (here's looking at you, Steve Bucknor), Sachin would still not have a batting average, because infinity ain't a number.

15. After Sachin retires, imagine that a person wants to beat his record of number of centuries. He will have to score a century three times a match, and even then he'll fall short by 200 or 300 centuries.

16. History books of the future will have only three chapters: World War I, World War II, and The Era of Sachin Tendulkar. The lengths of these chapters will be respectively 5, 5, and 300 pages.

17. The format T20 was invented after appeals from opposition bowlers all around the world, who wanted to bowl at Sachin for a lower number of overs.

18. There was an advertising guy (who had never watched cricket, ever) at Manikchand once, who invented the slogan 'Oonche log, oonchi pasand'. When someone told him who Tendulkar was, he hung his head for 7 days, and then committed suicide.

19. Azharuddin once said of Sachin: Nahin jeetega! Chote ki naseeb main jeet nahin hai!" For this sin, he has already been punished (by God, not the Sachin-God, one of the other ones) by a life ban for match fixing. Every night he trembles at the thought of what further punishments are to come.

20. Many people have criticized India TV for showing the same piece of 5-second footage 100 times in a half-hour news story. They could have avoided all this criticism by just choosing the 5-second footage of Sachin playing a cover drive - no one would have complained then.

21. The Afro hairstyle was invented after the young Sachin sported it for a few years. Unconfirmed reports say Shahid Afridi's name was also inspired by it.

22. If you are a student, and are asked to write a math proof, and you're stuck, simply write 'bas Sachin ne bola, isliye.' You will get full marks in that question, full marks in all other questions which you have got wrong, and will go to heaven when you die.

23. Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick a guy who wants to shoot him. Rajinikanth can cut the bullet in two after that guy fires at him. Sachin can take his bat and hit both bullets for six.

24. In the future, 24th April will be a national - no, an international - holiday, and sweets will be freely distributed, and fireworks will be burst, and all the poor shall be fed and clothed.

25. If Sachin headbutts all the members of the opposition, and then brutally murders them and then dances semi-naked on the pitch singing Backstreet Boys, he will still be forgiven.

26. One day, Sachin will win all 6 Nobel Prizes.
- Peace: no need for a reason, at least nowadays.
- Physics: for studies on projectile motion, by hitting sixes regularly and unstoppably.
- Chemistry: for making India and Pakistan reconcile, at least while watching his innings.
- Medicine: for giving excitable people non-fatal heart attacks when he gets out, and thereby providing a free heart test to all citizens of India.
- Economics: for being very rich.
- Literature: for inspiring Lolland to write this list.

27. Sachin learnt cricket at the age of 2. He was already good enough then to play for India, but was hidden from everyone else because nobody would have believed it.

28. The reason Sachin has still not got the Bharat Ratna is because the Indian Government is ashamed they have nothing bigger to give him.

29. The :S emoticon (which stands for 'confused') was invented keeping in mind how a bowler bowling to Sachin feels.

30. In cricket computer games, if you try to use a cheat code while bowling to Sachin, the game will crash and your computer will reboot. Even cheat codes take the day off against him.

31. Mathematicians will have a major breakthrough the day Sachin retires. They will take the number of runs he has scored by then, and will therefore be able to find the value of infinity.

32. The people who set up the prayer room in Sachin's house lost an idol of a conventional god, so they just hung a picture of him.

33. Once, Rameez Raja said that Inzamam was the Sachin of Pakistan. This has since gone down in history as the funniest joke of all time. (ironically enough, it came from Rameez; he is not well known for his wit, as this will show.)

34. If not for Sachin, India would currently be competing for a place in the World Cup through qualifiers, along with global giants of the game like Namibia, Bermuda, USA and Scotland.

35. According to the latest reports, heaven is a gigantic lounge with a huge TV, which plays footage of Sachin's cover-driven and straight-driven boundaries throughout all eternity. Hell is a gigantic lounge with a huge TV, which plays footage of Steve Bucknor raising his finger throughout all eternity.

36. If an Indian cricketer has committed a serious breach of discipline (like running naked in the streets, attacking a spectator or being friendly with a Pakistani cricketer), he is made to bowl to Sachin for 2 hours in the nets. Very few people have ever committed a second mistake after this treatment.

37. The Hindu scriptures tell us that Vishnu would come only once again, as Kalki. They forgot to mention his short trip in the late twentieth century, in the form of a diminutive cricketer.

38. The Olympics don't have cricket as one of the sports. This is a cunning conspiracy by all the countries of the world to make sure Sachin doesn't give India gold medal after gold medal.

39. When a bowler from a country other than India wants to watch a horror movie, he doesn't watch the Exorcist, Evil Dead or Sookhi Nadi mein Behti hui Laash. He just watches footage of himself bowling to Sachin Tendulkar.

40. Everyone knows Sachin has a specially heavy bat. In fact, it is infinitely heavy. Any lesser weapon would spontaneously combust in his hands.

41. When you refer to Sachin, you must refer to Him this way, capitalizing the first letter.

42. After Sachin retires, India will suddenly jump to the top of the ODI and Test rankings and stay there for ever. Surprised? Don't be. As of now, all opposition teams have only a plan to tackle Sachin; they don't worry about the rest of the team. After Sachin is gone, the rest of the team will suddenly make their presence felt, and win every match.

43. The band Dire Straits was active till 1995. In 1995, Sachin Tendulkar announced that he was a big Dire Straits fan. The members of the band then felt that they had achieved everything they could possibly have wished for, and dissolved the band, and lived happily ever after.

44. Sachin remembers his every dismissal in test cricket, and the bowler who dismissed him. (this sentence is actually true.) He then smashes the hell out of those same bowlers the very next match.

45. Sachin's bat has no edge - at least, no ball has ever found it.

46. George W. Bush knows who Sachin Tendulkar is.

47. Sachin could bat a 100 innings with Inzamam at the other end and never once get him run out - he would hit only boundaries.

48. This was initially called Master Blaster, but changed its name out of respect to the real Master Blaster.

49. Nobody disturbs Sachin Tendulkar when his Google Chat status is red (for busy).

50. Sachin wears a helmet so that helmet companies get some money, and so that he can sometimes be declared LBW if the ball strikes the helmet - not because he needs it.

51. He has many fans, some of which give testimonials like this:

no there are so many things diffrence.

sachin is yet playing
sachin is good of cricket
sachin has baby face
sachin has world most records of bating
sachin has spirit
sahcin has world best power of circket

nowaday hi is a god of cricket....N

52. When Muttiah Muralitharan has to bowl to Sachin Tendulkar, the ball refuses to spin even for him, and goes straight to the bat, and then to the boundary.

53. Only Sachin can jerk his groin guard 100 times a match, and have the commentators ignore it totally.

54. When Sachin bats, the Hindi commentators get so much enthusiasm that they start saying things other than their three stock lines 'oh ye tha shandaar shot', 'kyun ji surinder, haan ji maninder' and 'aur ye chauka'.

55. If you saw a bowler with the same action as Sachin, bowling at the same pace, you would think he would have the same level of success that stalwart bowlers like Brian Lara, Dale Steyn or Phil Tufnell. Since it's Sachin, he went on to become the 9th most successful bowler for India in ODIs.

56. Sachin Tendulkar could coach the Bermuda Women's Cricket Team to a World Cup victory.

57. Till Sachin starts playing baseball, no Indian will ever be able to understand it.

58. Even animals appreciate Sachin Tendulkar - those white birds that are always there on Australian grounds stop in the air and watch his shots.

59. Sachin was originally slated to be a guest on Sach ka Saamna, but plans were shelved after nobody could think of any embarrassing questions to ask him.

60. Even Navjot Singh Sidhu doesn't make stupid jokes about Sachin Tendulkar.

61. Every time Sachin plays the leg glance, the soul of Maharaja Ranjitsinghji rests a little more in peace.

62. When cloning of humans becomes possible, no country will let India clone Sachin. At least, the ten other cricketing nations won't.

63. Anyone else except Sachin would get teased mercilessly for his thin voice. However, you can't make fun of God, so nobody takes his case.

64. The Guinness Book of World Records is considering splitting into two volumes - Volume A will have all the other records, and Volume B will have Sachin's and Federer's records. Volume B is expected to be substantially longer.

65. For a big time Sachin fan (about 20% of India) there is at least one member of their close family whom they either love less/know less about than Sachin Tendulkar.

66. Waqar Younis is the most unfortunate human in the world; he is known as 'the other guy who made his debut with Sachin in that 1989 test match'.

67. A run out is the only method of dismissal that the opposing team has where Sachin doesn't already have a huge advantage. Just because he's God, he's good at that as well.

68. Many times, TV channels fool us by showing old footage of a presentation ceremony after a cricket match. As long as we see Sachin getting the Man of the Match award, we assume that the presentation ceremony is the right one.

69. 33% of all accidents in India are caused by drivers twisting their necks to see a small TV in a roadside shop, to check whether Sachin has reached his century or not.

70. We might have mentioned this, but Sachin is God, as the video below should prove.

71. If there was no Sachin, the GDP of India would be 20% more than it is now, because all the people who waste time at office watching him hit yet another century would do productive work.

72. (Suggested by Udit) While school still held his attention Sachin scored the highest ever partnership with his friend Vinod Kambli - 752 runs. Since he is God and he is merciful he only scored 329 and let Kambli score more at 349.

73. (Suggested by Udit) During one match, Sachin was hit by a snorter from Waqar Younis, and he started bleeding after that. But the man He is, He completed His innings, scored a half century, and saved the match for India. No biggie.

74. (Suggested by Udit) When Sachin imports a Ferrari, no-one taxes Him. 

(We tried unsuccessfully to use this format: When you import a Ferrari, you pay tax to the Government. In BJP India, when Sachin imports a Ferrari, Government taxes you!)

75. (Suggested by Udit) If Sachin was born in 1757, the British would've left right away.

76. (Suggested by Nishanth) Like how movies start with a picture of God, all cricket websites first show Sachin Tendulkar and his statistics on their homepage and only then will the page proceed to show other not-so-important things like the World Cup final Live Scorecard.

77. (Suggested by Nishanth) Had Sachin Tendulkar graduated from an Indian college, at least 90 out of the top 100 universities of the world would have been Indian.

78. (Suggested by Udit) When Sachin makes you an offer, you can't refuse. The sad part is that most of these offers are to bowlers, and are of the form 'get hit for 12 runs this over'.

79. (Suggested by Udit) Sachin is the reason Osama is in hiding.

We would like to reach the magic number of 100 facts. Can you help us? Add more facts in the Comments.

Cricket Graphs

Worms. Manhattans. 

Every type of cricket graph ever invented, now brought to you by the Lolland University.

Only, you might never get to see these on TV.

1. Eternal Youth

2. If Only

3. The Silver Screen

4. Catches win matches - Agarkar loses them

5. Don't bowl there!

6. Our fate?

7. Fixed!

8. Different partnerships - and their contributors

9. Thanks for all the fish

10. What's in a name? WPUJC.

11. Inzy!!

12. Thanks, Jonty and Herschelle

13. Indian Hockey League?

14. You don't mess with God

15. On the Edge

16. No Title

17. My mum coulda hit that!

18. Long Tail

19. Well begun...

ManU's recovery steps

One day, Rooney and Tevez will retire/leave. What can ManU do then to retain their premier position? We have a few ideas.

1. Buy Michael Owen

2. Buy Bhaichung Bhutia for $90 million

3. Hire the Goregaon Sports Club goalkeeper

4. Fire Rooney

5. Hire Michael Schumacher

6. Take loan

7. Take loan

8. Take loan

9. Take loan

10. Shut down

F1 2009

Starting Grid

1. Vettel

2. Button

3. Weber

4. Barrichello

...

19. Hamilton

20. Fisichella

Lap 1

1. Button

2. Vettel

3. Barrichello

4. Weber

...

18. Hamilton

Retired: Fisichella/Sutil

Lap 50

1. Button

2. Barrichello

3. Vettel

Retired: everyone else

100 illogical things about the WWE

Lolland loves the WWE. We idolize all the wrestlers. We love WWE so much that even National Symbol status is not enough for our wrestlers. However, we have noticed one or two illogical things about the WWE. Some of them are written down below.

This is a work in progress; please help us reach the magic 100 figure mark by writing your own points in the comments.

1. It is fake.

2. Shawn Michaels has 2000 litres of blood in him, and he obligingly spills 5 litres every match (or used to till WWE became PG-13).

3. Everyone bleeds only from their forehead; it is standard WWE procedure to always fall on barbed wire, glass tables, etc., head first and to not protect your face with your hands.

4. The greatest and most ubiquitous offensive move against an opponent who is running towards you is to bend over and bow to him like a gentleman, so that he can kick you in the face.

5. People spend 30 minutes fighting and give their finishing moves at the end of the match, rather than giving the finishing move thrice at the beginning to finish the match.

6. The terribly dysfunctional families in the WWE. Even if brothers are initially in the same tag team, not even two years can pass before they burn each other's houses or something and start feuding. Even fake brothers fight (UT and Kane). And don't even start on the McMahons - there was a time in the early 2000s when every episode of RAW featured every McMahon slapping every other McMahon.

7. Shane McMahon's crazy little entranceway dance.

8. No match in history has ever finished with a move like a leg drop (Hulk Hogan excluded from the statistic) yet the commentators always express jawdropping surprise at the kickout.

9. Also, all leg drops are pitiable moves, with hardly any utility more than stalling or tiring an opponent, yet Hulk Hogan's leg drop is an earthshattering knockout move.

10. A badass like Bret Hart wore pink tights.

11. The Undertaker came back from the Buried Alive match in 2003 even though that was the time of his very human biker gimmick.

12. They made it PG 13. Come on! WWE PG 13?! Making WWE PG 13 is like banning all offensive language from a cricket match between India and Pakistan.

13. Kane took off his mask, thereby transforming himself into a scary crazed maniac to a bald fat man with a beer belly about as scary as a Barbie Doll and burying his career deeper than the Undertaker ever got buried in a Buried Alive match.

14. There are people in the world who actually like John Cena.

15. WWE, and not the World Wildlife Fund, had to change its name because of the WWF clash.

16. Everyone in the world knows the main event of Wrestlemania is not going to end in under 20 minutes, but every year JR and the King express great anxiety on seeing someone go for a cover in the fifth minute of the WM main event, saying: "We could have a new champion here."

17. Many wrestlers (Undertaker, Goldberg, Kane) hang out their tongues and make slurping noises as if hungry to indicate extreme hostility and evilness, though it just makes them look like they've just had chilli.

18. After Triple H hooks one hand for the pedigree, the wrestler being given the pedigree will often, cooperatively, hold up the second hand to assist him.

19. It is legal to come into the ring and break up a pinfall if you're the member of a tag team that isn't supposed to be in the ring.

20. The Ultimate Warrior's finisher. The writer of this article is not very strong (6 ft; 110 pounds) but that wouldn't even finish him.

21. 3 chokeslams and 2 tombstones from two 7 foot 300 pounders cannot put the 6'4" 250 pound Austin away, but one double stunner renders both the giants unconscious for the rest of the day.

22. Big Show and Yokozuna keep/kept giving the Banzai Drop (that thing where they go to the second rope and try to jump on the guy below) even though the success rate for this move is 0.00000011 %; the guy always moves out of the way.

23. We can't understand how Hulk Hogan's routine of Hulking Up became so popular. To us, it looks like a guy with a bad constipation problem pumped his fists to get rid of his problems, huffing and puffing with eyes wide open and sweating with all that pressure inside, and then points towards the toilet, which the opponent just happens to be standing in the way of.

24. People who have watched WWE for 10 years still believe that everything is true, and post angry messages on internet forums saying: "I hate that *&^&*^* Edge so much, he cheated and beat the Undertaker."

25. The WWE Divas scream loud screams of ecstasy as they pull each other's hair in the ring and claw at each other. Only Maria Sharapova can scream louder.

26. Triple H wins a title every other day, Edge wins a title every day; Undertaker wins 6 titles in 20 years, Kane 1 title for 1 day in 13 years.

27. They made Viscera take off his shirt and become Big Daddy V, thereby showing the world the most voluptuous assets since the days of Sable.

28. Goldberg left the WWE.

29. When one half of an evil tag team is illegally (because he's not supposed to be in the ring) hitting one half of the good tag team, the referee never sees it because he's frantically trying to stop the other half of the good tag team from getting into the ring.

30. Its ability to take grown men back to their childhood.

31. Michael Cole's usage of the word 'vintage'. In the WM 23 Undertaker vs. Batista match, he must have said 'vintage' at least 35 times.

32. Wrestlers other than the Rock always keep making movies that recover one tenth their budget at the box office - See No Evil, The Marine and The Condemned will not live forever in cinematic history.

33. No very fat or very huge person has ever won a majority of his matches, but tiny people like Rey Mysterio usually end up on the winning side. In the real world, Big Daddy V would have Rey Mysterio for breakfast any day.

34. When a wrestler is a heel (a bad guy) he will give 10 low blows a match; when he becomes a face (a good guy) he will suddenly lose all affinity for the pelvic regions of his opponent's body. And the audience will cheer him for his new-found goodness and decency - till his next heel turn.

35. They let Chyna wrestle in the Women's instead of in the Men's division. Maybe they were too scared to tell her.

36. People still sign up to become WWE referees, even though they know their probable fate in every match is to be beaten up by one of the wrestlers, and then choked back to consciousness long enough to count the pinfall.

37. There is no standard time between the 1, 2 and 3 count - it varies from a very fast count (a biased referee) to normal (a normal referee) to slow (a slow referee) to Ric Flair (as special guest referee).

38. Trish Stratus left.

39. In a Tables, Ladders and Chairs match, the wrestlers always carefully position 5 tables on top of each other at the beginning of the match for no apparent reason whatsoever and get back into the ring, feeling that they have been very cunning in ensuring that no-one thinks that they haven't prepared the ending of the match, where they will jump through the five tables.

40. The announcers exaggerate now and then. For example, they say things like "Will either of these men (Triple H and The Rock) ever be the same again after this match?", cheerfully ignoring the fact that they've said the same thing about the same people about 1000 times before, and the people in question have never really changed.

41. No one can retire till they die; for example, every match Hulk Hogan or Terry Funk wrestles is his last.

42. People can't understand why Ric Flair is so respected because all he can do is the knife edged chest chops and the Figure Four Leglock.

43. After giving a finishing move, a wrestler normally spends more than 3 seconds looking into the sky (as if to signify all the hard work that he put into the move), then he collapses in exhaustion, then he rolls over and hooks the leg for the cover. If he just covered his opponent immediately, there would be no two-counts.

44. A referee counts progressively slower at each number of the 10-count in a Last Man Standing Match. Between 9 and 10, there is usually a respectful 5-second pause to allow the man who's being counted out to get to his feet. Sometimes (UT-Big Show 2008), the referee obviously tells the person to get up as well.

45. A good guy can always fight off 10 bad guys (unless one comes from behind and kicks his leg) but a bad guy needs at least 2 of his friends before he will even come out on the entrance ramp to address the good guy in the ring.

46. Wrestlers get nicknames which often get used more than their WWE names. For example, nobody would probably have called the Rock 'the Rock' if he hadn't got into the habit of referring to himself, preferring to call him the Brahma Bull or the Great One, and Triple H usually gets called The Game.

47. Whenever an announcers' table at ringside is to be destroyed by a wrestler being slammed on it, it is more likely that it is the Spanish announce table than anything else.

48. WWE trump cards calculate ranks when, as a matter of fact, no such ranks are ever assigned by the WWE (except the Power 25).

49. The Ultimate Warrior was ever allowed to speak.

50. At least 5 times in a match against Rey Mysterio, the opposing wrestler will fall with his head between the first and second ropes, perfectly positioned for the 619, regardless of the fact that this never happens in a normal match. Sometimes even a dropkick delivered by Mysterio in the middle of the wing will cause his opponent to stagger to the ropes and position himself for the 619.

51. All punches sound exactly the same, and are 100 times louder than ordinary punches.

52. When Austin gave The Rock a stunner, The Rock would usually fall with a thud, leap up, do a somersault, bounce once again, and then lie still. Maybe he was always practicing for his movie career.

53. When Wrestler A tries to give Wrestler B a superplex (a suplex off the top rope), Wrestler B will always climb to the top rope by himself after Wrestler A makes him sit on the turnbuckle. He does it slowly so that nobody will notice (except the eagle eyed Lolland junta). If someone tried to give me a superplex, I just wouldn't climb to the top rope.

54. The only foreign objects in common use are chairs, ladders and tables. Why aren't there more? Swords? Guns? Cars? Mayawati?

55. Whenever Stone Cold holds up his hand for a beer, one always comes flying from God-knows-where. And he always gives a Stunner after drinking beer.

56. People act as if the're choking in Cena's STFU (STF now) even though he doesn't really have any hands around their necks applying any pressure at all.

57. Shane McMahon seems to take more risks than most wrestlers even though he's the son of the Chairman.

58. Everyone in this video hits someone else before getting in the position for a suplex.

59. Every match in the WCW had 10000 people interfering - the whole roster effectively participated in every match.

60. Everyone being given a suplex jumps to help the suplex-giver. Why not change the suplex to a solo move you do to hurt yourself, kind of like those crazy jumps from the top rope all wrestlers do when they're dominating a match?

61. When a guy is desperately trying to tag in his partner, he spends 30 seconds weakly holding his hand out trying to reach his partner. As soon as he finally reaches him, he suddenly gets a surge of energy and gets up and jumps out of the ring. Why didn't he get the surge a little earlier?

62. In every big match involving the Undertaker, his opponent will hammer him into the corner and then climb slowly up to the top rope in a perfect position for the Last Ride, blissfully ignoring the fact that the Undertaker has always hit the Last Ride in this way for the last 10000 matches. When the Undertaker picks him up on his shoulders, the opponent always has a holy-shit look, as if he couldn't possibly expect it.

63. For someone who is as good on the mic as Chris Jericho is, it is surprising that he still uses the word 'parasite' almost as often as Michael Cole uses the word 'vintage'.

64. Shawn Michaels never shaves his unemployed homeless hobo beard.

65. Nowadays, Survivor Series has 99% normal singles matches.

66. Chris Jericho looks naked being the only wrestler without a tattoo.

67. So many exchanges among Raw, SmackDown and ECW happen throughout the year that it's very funny they have a special Draft every year - they could call any other episode a draft as well.

68. It is never explained why the Undertaker, even though he is an undead zombie person, has any interest at all in winning championships.

69. WWE went PG-13 and the divas clothes became shorter!!

70. Over the years pretty every top star, Rock, Austin, UT, Mick Foley, HHH, Shawn Michaels, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, DX, everyone has at some point of time, beat the shit out of the chairman of wwe. Yet, they still have their jobs. In fact, those who have made the chairman bleed have been the greatest of all.

71. Stone Cold can catch a beer can with any finger of his hand, even with all 5 simultaneously.

72. The Great Khali gets to kiss any american chick, but he chooses the ugliest of them.

73. Stephanie McMahon being the chairman's daughter, still had to stripped on TV, a dozen times.

74. Eddie Guerrero married Vickie!!!

75. Edge loved Vickie??? WTF??

76. Hot chicks and divas are attracted to Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry and World's Largest Love Machine Big Daddy V.

77. Ric Flair doesnt break his hip when he's given a back body drop at 60.